I know I am not a very patient person. I guess that is what He is working on in me at the moment. I didn't sleep well, and woke an hour earlier than my alarm. I decided to get up and read the Word for a while. Shortly after that, Sam was up too because of a bad dream. He's sleeping on the sofa next to me. He came in here where I was to be comforted.. and now that he feels safe, he has drifted back off to sleep.

I need to see myself doing the same thing with God. I tend to try to make things right on my own first. After I have wore myself out, then I come to Him. I remember a time when my relationship with Him wasn't like it is now. It was much more like the description I gave with Sam and his bad dream. I want my relationship to be more like that, but without the situation in my life that caused it. I want the good stuff without the bad. You see, that time in my life was rich spiritually, but Jeff had been unemployed for 10 months. Those were impossible times. No income, no unemployment, no food stamps, no credit cards, etc. We literally watched God feed us daily. I'm still amazed when I take the time to stop and think about it.

Now, I am striving to get back to having that type of relationship with Him without something driving me there. I desire that relationship with Him. My heart aches for it. Sitting in His presence.. soaking up His Word.. feeling the Holy Spirit surround me.. that is what I want. Daily. Many times a day. I'm finding a need to feed my 'inner man' much more often and much more satisfying than feeding my 'outer man'. It's amazing to see the that spiritual transformation taking place.

I suppose I'm not the only one who sees it either. The enemy tends to throw stones at me a bit more often lately. The biggest ones have DOUBT written across them. I really need to work on that issue in my heart. I'm glad to see some of the big stones getting smaller. I long for the day when all he's throwing at me are tiny pebbles that I barely even notice. As my shield of faith grows.. the stones will become smaller.

We are lukewarm.  We are LUKEWARM!  Do you understand what His Word says about us being lukewarm? 


lukewarm:  lacking conviction 

Are we lacking conviction?  Am I lacking conviction?  What is it going to take to wake me up to be hot?  I don't want to be lukewarm.. I don't want to be cold.. but more than that, I don't want to be LUKEWARM!!  I want to be hot!

Why are we living in such a state of carnality?  Why do we think that God won't judge us for the sin we live in?  Is it because we are "saved"?  Is that all it takes?  Has my ticket been punched?  Am I booked in the "no smoking section" only because I said a few heartfelt words and was baptized?  Is it because I speak in tongues?  WHAT MAKES ME SAVED?

We are called to a higher standard.  We are called to live a holy life!  We are called to be sinless before God.  I for one am not sinless before God.  Each day is full of decisions to live a holy life.  I fail miserably.. miserably.  *tears*

Oh Lord.. please.. cleanse me and make me white as snow.  It's only through the blood of Your Son that I am to be cleansed. It's not possible any other way.  I want to live out that new creation in my life.  I want to be on fire for You.  I want to be hot!  I no longer want to "blend in".  I want to stand out as being on fire, being hot for You and Your Word.  Break my heart.  Break my spirit.  Make me what You desire me to be, and show me, step by step how to live wholly and holy for YOU!

Outside my window:  We are supposed to have a great day today.. according to the weatherman.  I plan on cleaning the windows today.  I have a lot I need to do outside to get the yard ready for winter, but for today.. I will only focus on having clean windows.

Through my door:  Jeff has to go buy a tire today.  We cannot afford it right now, but it’s not something we can do without with all the driving he has to do.  The spare is on the car, and even it needs to be replaced soon.. but for now, we will focus on one tire.  It’s taking every penny of my grocery money for the next two weeks to pay for the tire.  I’m trying not to be upset about this.. because God knows.. but the Momma in me worries about how I will feed the boys.

I am thinking: I am so far from where I need to be.  I have made choices that do not bring glory to Him.  I know I need to change things, and I’m working towards that.  An unexpected friend/ally in this has arisen in the midst of things.  WOW.. it’s amazing who God uses to make His will known.  To make His will obvious to me.  I am so amazed at Him and His ways.

I am hearing:  Francis Chan teaching.  He’s my favorite Pastor to listen to online (other than my Pastor of course!).  I have need to soak up so much from Him today, and I’m soaking it up through Francis right now.  I am so blessed to have the internet and the ability to do this.
 
I am thankful for:  We have a roof over our head, clothes on our back.. and knowing that God is going to feed us over the next two weeks.  I cannot do that.. it has to come from Him.  I am thanking Him now for the provision that I know is on the way.  He will not let us go hungry.
 
I am wearing: I’m still in my jammies.  I don’t want to get dressed.  I know at some point I will need to, but right now.. I’m so cozy and don’t want to change and know that my day is up and running.  Oh how I would love a down day of nothing but jammies, coffee, studying, podcasts, etc.
 
I am remembering: My time at the farm with Christie.  I think that’s what I’m craving the most right now.  A week of spending time with her.. studying the Word.. enjoying the farm through her eyes.. all the pictures.  *smile*  I can’t wait to do that again.  I miss my friend so much.  She truly “gets me” and understands where I’m at spiritually.  I love studying the Word with her..  =)
 
I am going: No where.  Yesterday was a lot of driving for me and I had to use my son’s car.  I was nervous about wrecking his car.  I had to get our puppy to the vet for his neuter, then back home.  Our vet is 40-50 minutes away (depending upon traffic).  We had Capone on a puppy package, and thankfully, we should be done with the vet for a year.  Anyway.. after two trips to the vet and back yesterday.. I’m ready to just stay home today.
 
I am reading: I haven’t had time to sit down and read at all this week.  I need to make an effort to do that today.  I think it will help me tremendously. 
 
I am hoping: Today would be a good day for God to show me how He is going to provide for our needs.  I know that He doesn’t owe me that, but I sure hope that He reveals it to me. 
 
On my mind: Slim/Bill and his family are on my mind.. Kelly is on my mind.. my choices that are disappointing to God, and the choices I need to make that would bring joy and blessings into my life.
 
From the learning rooms: We will do our lessons today.  Sam is out of his supplements, so schooling is a trial for both of us right now.  I know I have at least 3 more weeks of that ahead of me.  I can’t let that get me down now.. I just have to take it one day at a time and pray through it.  He’s with me.. and He can get me through..

From the kitchen: I have a pot of soup from a friend, so I won’t have to worry about dinner tonight.  He has fed us.  I will make some bread today to go with it.  Jeff won’t eat it (he doesn’t like vegetable soup).  I will find something for him (rice or pasta with butter and parmesan). 
 
Noticing that: My ankle still causes me pain from time to time.  I guess I need to take note of that and take care of it when that happens, rather than pushing through the pain like I normally do.  How frustrating that it’s still causing me pain.
 
Around the house: I need to finish some cleaning and organizing.. as well as laundry.  I hate getting so far behind on things.  I’m ready to get back to my daily schedule and sticking with it.

Healthy living: I’m still watching the scale go down.  I’m leaning less and less on Weight Watchers, and more and more towards intuitive eating.  It’s becoming so much easier for me than counting points.  God has designed our bodies in an amazing way, and when I can truly obey .. I’m able to experience the release of the weight.  How amazing!

I am praying: For my friends to be blessed with their needs and wants.
 
I am planning: The busy weekend ahead.  We have a party to go to, dinner with friends, and a need to have a couple over for dinner soon.
 
One of my favorite things: My mp3 player.. cause I can take my podcasts with me.  =)

Simple pleasures: I’m planning to take a bubble bath at some point today.  I need that.. mentally..